Anger is a normal and natural emotion that is often misunderstood as bad or wrong. In my work with couples, we often have to work through the myth that happy, healthy couples have little or no conflict. Conflict is a normal and natural part of a relationship. In the same way, anger is a normal and natural feeling that all of us have.
Anger is also a powerful emotion. When you feel the power of the anger, it can convince you that whatever you are angry about is justified. This can convince you that the only real solution is to express your anger. But we are learning that venting your anger often increases the intensity of what you are feeling. Anger can feed on itself.
Because it is a natural and powerful emotion that is often misunderstood, it is helpful to have some ways to develop a different relationship with your anger.
1. Take a few deep breaths.
When you become angry, your body gets tense. There are lots of physiological reactions happening inside of you. Your mind is also racing with thoughts about why you are angry.
When you feel these things happening, 3-4 deep breaths can be very helpful. As you inhale, feel the air enter your nostrils or feel the movement of your abdomen. As you exhale, feel the air leaving your nostrils or, again, the movement of your abdomen. If you start to get caught up with the tension in your body or the thoughts in your mind, return your attention to your breathing.
2. Change your environment.
This is the quickest way to remove yourself from the source of your anger. When you are angry, you can also be emotionally flooded. This means the emotional parts of your brain have taken over the thinking parts. The only thing that can calm this flooding is to soothe yourself intentionally.
Take a walk for 15-20 minutes. While you are walking, don’t focus on all the thoughts that feed your anger. Enjoy the fresh air. Listen to some music. Read an article in a magazine or online.
3. Identify your anger.
You may be thinking, “Well, it’s obvious that I’m angry.” That’s true but feeling the power of your anger is different that intentionally identifying it.
The turning points for one of my clients who was struggling with anger came when he was able to say to himself, “I’m angry.” Not “I’m angry at him” or “I’m angry about this situation” but “I’m angry.” Naming his anger in this simple way allowed him to be mindfully present with his anger without getting caught up in it. It allowed him to step back and be curious about his anger.
4. Think about your anger as a signal.
Changing the way you think about anger helps you develop a different relationship with it. The turning point for another client happened when he started to think about his anger as a stop sign. When you pull up to a stop sign, what do you do? You look at the intersection. You check out what is happening around you and decide how to proceed.
The same thing is true with your anger. The anger is telling you to pay attention. Check out what is happening inside of you, and then decide how to proceed. If you ignore a stop sign, eventually you pay the price. If you ignore your anger, there is a price to be paid as well. But you don’t just sit there and get caught up in the beauty of the stop sign. You don’t just get caught up in the power of the anger. You let the anger tell you what is happening, and you can choose what to do next, according to the person you want to be.
5. Show some self-compassion.
Anger is a normal and natural part of life. It can play an important role in your life. If that’s true, then you are just like everyone else. You are not flawed. You do not have a character deficit. When you tell yourself, “I’m angry,” you might add the phrase, “Just like everyone else in the world.”
If you would like to know more about how I work with people who struggle with anger, please visit my anxiety treatment specialty page.