Imagine that you aren’t satisfied with your job.
You have options. You can quit your job and look for another, or you can get some training for a new direction in your career. Or suppose that you have a close friend to whom you haven’t spoken in years. You can reach out to them by phone, Facebook, or email. You aren’t satisfied with your physical condition, so you join a gym, get a personal trainer, and start to work out.
All of these situations have something in common. You see something about your life that you want to change, you figure out what actions will help you with that change, and you do them. All of these actions are possible because they involve situations outside your skin. It is a strategy that works so well that you try to use it to manage the emotional pain you feel. However, what works in the external world doesn’t work when applied to what’s going on inside us. You can’t come up with strategies to control the thoughts and feelings that are part of your anxiety, the way you do with changing jobs or reconnecting with a friend.
Of course, that doesn’t stop us from trying. Let’s face it. Anxiety is an unpleasant emotion, so it makes sense that you say, “I don’t like this anxiety and I want to get rid of it.” The truth is there is just no way to take our anxieties and worries out and set them on the curb for the garbage truck to come pick up. These feelings are always inside of us, and so, we must figure out how to have a different relationship with them.
Make Yourself Happy
Let’s say I invite you to make yourself happy. Go ahead. Make yourself as happy as you can. Now, it’s possible you were able to make yourself happy by thinking of a pleasant experience from the past, but you can’t just flip a switch and make yourself happy. Now, I invite you to fall in love, deeply in love, with the first person you see. Now, I invite you to make yourself feel anxious and worried. All of these suggestions point out that emotions don’t have an on/off switch. It is impossible to make yourself feel a certain way just because you want to. Which means it’s also impossible to get rid of your anxiety and worry just because you don’t like it and don’t want it there.
You can’t argue yourself out of your anxiety the way you can argue with another person. You can’t control your anxiety by talking yourself out of it the way you talk another person out of doing something. So what can you do? Emotions don’t respond well to words or reason, but they can learn something from direct experience.
An Exercise
Sit in a comfortable position and just be aware of your breath. Breathing in. Breathing out. When you are settled, cup your hands in front of you in the shape of a bowl. Just let them be there for a few moments as you notice them resting there on your lap. Think of all the ways your hands have been used for work, for writing, for touching. Settle into the goodness of your hands. And from that place of goodness, allow a small part of your anxiety to settle into your cupped hands. Just sit, breath, and notice your anxiety held by the warmth of your hands.
Ok, perhaps this exercise seems a bit odd, but it gives you a different relationship with your anxiety that has nothing to do with control, avoiding, getting rid of, or figuring out. You let the anxiety experience the warmth and wonder of your presence. And the more often you do this, you offer your anxiety a difference experience. You offer yourself a different experience with your anxiety that gives you the flexibility to choose, even in the presence of your anxiety, ways of living and being that are more in line with what you value.
Learn more about anxiety treatment here.