You are probably familiar with the fight-flight-freeze responses. These are survival instincts of your nervous system that occur when you experience a significant threat. Depending on the nature of the threat, you quickly move into a flight or flight reaction. If neither of those work, the freeze response may be triggered.
These instincts are designed to activate when the threat is there and abate when the threat goes away. If you are struggling with the thoughts and feelings of trauma, it may feel like these instincts are always activated, stuck in the “on” position. The fight response may be present as being irritable and combative. The flight response may be present as avoidance and hypervigilance. The freeze response may be present as lack of emotions or the inability to make a decision.
Over the last few years, we are learning about another survival reaction of people who are struggling with trauma. It is called the fawn response.
Pete Walker, a psychotherapist who popularized the fawn response, describes fawning “a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat.” Fawning is often present in people who experienced trauma in childhood, like physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. Because of the situation, a child does not have the ability to fight, flee, or freeze. So, they present themselves as non-threatening by saying what the threatening person wants to hear or acting in a way that might lessen the chance that the threatening person will harm them.
Fawning is an assertive action taken by someone who is experiencing a threat. But just like the fight-flight-freeze responses, it can get stuck in the “on” position. When this happens, you may not notice its presence as it begins to impact many areas of your life.
Some signs of the fawn response include:
If someone asks you what you are feeling, you may respond that you don’t know. It is difficult to identify your feelings, even if you ask yourself the question. You may even feel like you don’t have your own identity or sense of self.
When you have conflict with another person, you do what you can to keep the person from getting more upset.
It is difficult for you to set healthy boundaries. You are constantly trying to please others in your life, even when it is detrimental to you. It is hard for you to say no to someone’s request. You may take on a task, even if you are already feeling overwhelmed.
You feel uncomfortable or even threatened when someone asks for your thoughts or opinions.
You struggle constantly with guilt or anger, especially anger at yourself.
The fawning response doesn’t get as much attention as the fight-flight-freeze responses because it can look like an acceptable part of your personality. Being combative or avoidant is something that is frowned upon, but being a people pleaser and putting the concerns of others before your own is more acceptable. But fawning can have its consequences. On the surface, you look like you’re being agreeable, even friendly. But these actions are masking a deep fear. Always putting your needs before others can lead to being taken advantage of, which leads to more guilt and shame because, again, you did not stand up for yourself. And the ability to express yourself in meaningful and creative ways gets lost, along with the joys that come with it.
The fawn response can help us understand some of the negative evaluations from others towards people who have experienced trauma.
For example, if a trauma survivor is in an abusive relationship, you may hear people say, “Why didn’t you just leave or tell someone or get some help?” The fawning response comes from a time when that was not possible, and so, it continues into their lives in the present.
Trauma counseling can help people who are struggling with the fawn response. Through mindfulness and acceptance practices, you can become aware of the response without getting caught up in or trying to control it. This allows you to set boundaries with others in a way that expresses who you want to be as a person. To learn more, please visit my trauma counseling specialty page.