A good relationship is not something you have. A good relationship is not something you are in. A good relationship is something you do. It is something you practice.

In two previous blogs, I shared some of the reasons that conflicts between you and your partner can become interactions that cause harm to each of you and the relationship. Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson described these reasons in their book, Reconcilable Differences.

Andrew Christensen and Neil S Jacobson identify four common argument triggers: criticism, unfair demands, cumulative annoyance, and rejection. Also, there are factors that can cause these conflicts to escalate to the point where either of you can act in ways that cause a lot of hurt. In a previous blog, I identified two of these factors: the search for an explanation and the battle of accusations.

In a previous blog, I shared four common triggers to couples’ arguments; these were identified by Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson in their book, Reconcilable Differences. The four triggers were criticism, unfair demands, cumulative annoyance, and rejection.

One of the main reasons that people seek couples counseling is conflict. In truth, conflict is a normal part of any close relationship like marriage.

When it comes to the pandemic, there are places where we can all agree. We can agree that the coronavirus has taken a devastating toll in the United States. Over 425,000 American are dead because of the virus. The virus continues to spread at a rapid pace, even as the vaccinations begin.

When I ask couples what they want to work on in counseling, it is not unusual to hear them say, “We want to be more intimate” or “We want to develop more intimacy.” It is a worthy goal for a relationship, but often, as a way to get their attention, I will say, “Well, I can’t help you with that.”

We all enjoy watching things grow. There may be a wall or door in your house with marks and names and numbers by the marks. They are snapshots of your children, or yourself, at different ages. At some point in school, you probably brought home a Styrofoam cup with a seed buried in some dirt. There was the excitement of watching a tiny leaf emerge from the dirt and grow into a plant.

One of the myths of marriage is that good marriages have little or no conflict, that couples is good relationships do not fight or argue. Marriages involve two very different people, which means two very different ways of looking at and acting in the world.

Developing a mindful relationship is more than just saying to yourself “I need to pay more attention.” There are some mindfulness practices that you and your partner can do together. These practices help you learn to be more present with one another and deepen the bond between you.