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It is easy to become so fused with thoughts like “I am shy” or “I am unloved.” You don’t even notice it happens. And yet, every time you say, “I am…,” you become what comes after the “I am.” So if you say “I am anxious” or “I am worried,” it is like you are saying something about your essential self, instead of something that is happening to you. But the truth is thoughts and feelings are a part of you. But they are not YOU.
It is easy for problems like anxiety to push us around. That is hard to admit; in fact, you may resist the idea. But it really can happen. It can begin the moment you start to feel the anxiety. The world around you says that anxiety is not a good thing. It tells you that the presence of anxiety is a problem, and it might even suggest that you are a problem for having it.
In the 1998 movie, Sliding Doors, Gwyneth Paltrow plays a young Englishwoman living in London who has just been fired from her public relations job. The plot of the movie splits into two parallel universes, based on the two paths her life could take depending on whether she catches a London Underground train or not. The two paths are vastly different.
Stories are the way we make meaning. Who am I and how will I be in the world? The answers to those questions come in the form of stories. Let’s imagine we are at a party. When you ask me who I am, I don’t respond by saying, “I am a 66-year-old white male, 5’11’’, with a thin frame, and salt and pepper colored hair.” I would probably share something like this, “My name is Gary. I have lived in this area for 17 years; originally, I am from Mississippi. I enjoy working out and playing golf.” In other words, I tell you a rudimentary story…and you would do the same.
In an earlier blog, I described the problem of living on autopilot and how it can contribute to depression (Depression and Living on Autopilot). Autopilot is going through the motions of life with limited awareness or intentionality. Now there is a way that autopilot is a good thing; it allows you to build rhythms and routines in your life. But these routines can become ruts. These habitual behaviors dominate each day, and it is easy to end up filling your life with activities that have little or no connection to your values. Or at least you don’t see how they can be connected to giving your life meaning.
The couple sitting before me was clearly distressed. I had been working with them for several sessions, and they had done some good work on their relationship, so they were able to tell me the story of their struggle. The husband reported that he came in from work; his wife was already home sitting at the kitchen table. He said that he walked by her own the way to the bedroom and greeted her; she said nothing.
All of us have had the experience of getting caught up in good book or great movie. Or you have been engrossed in a deep conversation. Maybe you have been wrapped up in planning a vacation you are looking forward to or solving a problem a problem at work. There are those times you are in the flow during a tennis match or a game of golf. Or it could be that you are reveling in some moments daydreaming in the hammock. It’s not unusual to lose all track of time when you are so caught up in moments like these. These times are some of life’s greatest pleasures.
Several years ago, I was working with a client who was struggling with depression. During our first session, I asked him to describe what it was like when the depression was there. He described not having any energy and not being able to get out of bed. He mentioned feel sad and despairing. He talked about not wanting to see anyone; instead, he would sit in his house alone. His posture changed as he described the depression, shoulders slouching and head lowering. His voice got lower. He was not that way when we began the session. It was almost like the depression was showing up, and he was allowing it to take over as he talked.
If you struggle with depression, it is not just about the feelings of depression; it is also about the thoughts you have that can keep you depressed. For people with depression, there is the tendency to be harsh and judgmental about the thoughts and feelings that you are struggling with. You have thoughts of wanting to fight the depression because you know how it feels when you get caught up it. You start to get mad at yourself and judging yourself for letting the depression win again. You wonder what is wrong with you; why you are so weak that you can’t overcome these feelings.
Some time ago, I was working with a client who was struggling with anxiety and panic. During one of our sessions, as he talked about a particularly difficult bout of anxiety, I noticed that his hands were clenched together on his lap. This is not unusual; after all, when you talk about the feeling of anxiety, it is something that you feel in your body. Clenched hands. Tightness in some part of your body. Rapid heartbeat. A general feeling of being on edge.
