Several years ago, I learned to play the hammered dulcimer. After practicing for several months, I performed publicly for the first time at my church. The performance went well, even with a couple of wrong notes here and there. Afterwards, I was talking with the church accompanist. He is an accomplished musician and professor of music. He told me I did I great job. When I pointed out the missed notes, he said, “Gary, I’ve been playing piano and organ for 50 years, and I’ve never played a piece perfectly.”
Perfectionism is not really about doing something perfectly. It is about the feelings of self-worth you are striving for with a flawless performance. And yet, the standard of perfection that you carry around inside you keeps you from feeling any sense of accomplishment. Some part of you knows that, even with all your effort, there is no such thing as a perfect performance.
If you struggle with perfectionism, you may think of it as a motivation for excellence, but here are some ways that perfectionism gets in the way of your well-being.
1. Perfectionism decreases productivity.
If you have to do a job perfectly, it is easy to get caught up in every detail, and you end up spending more time on tasks than necessary. When that happens your productivity and your efficiency decreases. The irony is that your perfectionism is telling you that the only way to be productive and efficient is to be perfect.
2. Perfectionism results in covering your mistakes.
Perfectionists don’t just dislike mistakes. They agonize over them and let them define their sense of self.
In an effort to maintain your image of doing things perfectly, you may try to conceal your mistakes. If you work in a risky environment, hiding your mistakes can be dangerous. But even in a less risky setting, hiding your mistakes keeps you from keeps from getting the feedback to proceed and complete whatever task you are doing.
3. Perfectionism results in avoiding situations.
Mistakes are part of learning something new. Mistakes are part of getting better at something. If your self-image takes a blow with every mistake, eventually you may give up a new hobby or decide that it is not for you. And yet, ironically, when you make that decision, you are giving up on something that you would really enjoy or something in which you would find a lot of meaning.
4. Perfectionism can become a way of life.
Think about all the negative evaluations you give yourself as a perfectionist. Eventually, you create and live in a narrative of “I’m not good enough.” You can become absorbed in constant self-evaluation that results in frustration that can lead to anxiety and depression. Every moment in your life is read through the lens of the perfectionism. Any moment that contains some joy or pleasure gets lost because it is not perfect.
5. Perfectionism takes away your emotional flexibility.
My goal in counseling is not to help people eliminate bad thoughts and feelings and replace them with good ones. I try to help them see that thoughts and feelings are not good or bad. They are just there, a part of life. The goal is to develop enough psychological flexibility to develop a different relationship with these thoughts and feelings. Even if they are uncomfortable, I can still choose actions that express who I want to be.
Perfectionism takes away your ability to adapt and be flexible. It limits your choices in distressing situations. You can become rigid in the way you respond to circumstances and interact with others.
The core belief of perfectionism is the idea that nothing has value unless it is perfect. But there is a difference between perfection and excellence. In my next post, I will explore some ways to deal with perfectionism.
Until then, I invite you to visit my anxiety treatment specialty page to learn more about how counseling can help you.