One of the first things I do with almost every couple I see in counseling is help them identify the presence of a defensive reactive pattern. You are talking about something with your partner. Most likely, it is something that is very important or meaningful. Your partner says something that you don’t like; it feels personal. So, you start to get defensive, and instead of responding in a way that fits your picture of how you want to be, you react. You react with anger. You react with harmful words or criticisms about your partner.
Your partner senses your defensives. Your partner hears your harmful words and criticisms. They get defensive and react. You and your partner are now locked into a defensive reactive pattern.
Here are two truths about a defensive reactive pattern. One, it takes two people to get locked into this pattern. If I get defensive and react and my partner manages to avoid being triggered and responds in a helpful way, usually, I can realize my reaction and respond differently. Two, all it takes is one person to realize they are reacting to break the cycle.
Many couples who come to counseling move quickly into a defensive reactive pattern. Here are some ways to help you stop this pattern and respond differently.
1. Know Your Triggers
You get defensive and react because you have been triggered. A trigger is something that is very sensitive to you. Most triggers come from experiences in childhood or past relationships. Some common triggers are fear of abandonment, mistrust, shame or guilt, fear of failure, or feeling emotionally deprived.
You can’t stop a trigger from happening. They are part of who you are. But you can recognize them and choose to respond differently. When you get triggered, you are responding to more than the words your partner says. You are responding to the meaning that you are giving to their words and actions because of the trigger.
Often, I will help couples identify signs that they have been triggered. The signs could be physical. Was there a sensation in your body that you noticed? Tightness. Shortness of breath. Clenching your teeth or your fists.
The signs could be verbal. There is a certain thought that runs through your mind. Your voice gets louder. Your voice gets softer or disappears. Your voice has an edge.
I have each of them make a list of these signs, and then, I have them make an agreement. When either of them recognizes one of these signs, they will stop, identify verbally the sign, and say they want to take a break, so they figure out how to respond differently. When that happens, the other person agrees, and they take a break.
2. Learn How To Self-Soothe.
One of the things that you can do during this break is self-soothe. Self-soothing can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths in the presence of your partner. Or you can step away and distract yourself with some music or reading. Then, you come back together with your partner and try to respond differently.
3. Learn How to Self-Confront.
Once you have calmed yourself and stepped out of the reaction, you can reflect on what is happening inside of you. These reflections can help you choose how to respond differently. You might use questions like this: At what particular moment did you realize you were reacting? What were you doing? What was your partner doing? What was happening between you? Recalling the very first moment you were reacting, how would you want to behave differently during that moment? What words or behaviors could you choose that would express your values as a loving, caring partner?
Remember, defensive reactions and triggers…they are normal and natural. They happen to every couple. The goal is not to reach a point where they never happen. Defensiveness and triggers happen because you are talking about something important and meaningful to both of you.
If you want to learn more about how I work with couples, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.