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In Oklahoma, the state where I live, we have some amazing sunsets. Over the last few weeks, several of my Facebook friends have posted some pictures of glorious sunsets (not so many sunrises…I wonder what that is about). It could be that the sunsets have been particularly brilliant; I like to think it is because the corona virus is keeping people at home and they are taking advantage of these amazing gifts nature is offering them.
In his book, ACT with Love, Dr. Russ Harris uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help couples understand some of the dynamics of marriage. The book is very practical, offering a variety of practices that can help you strengthen and vitalize your marriage. Dr. Harris begins his book by describing four of the more common myths about marriage. After a brief description of these myths, I will make some comments about the power of these ideas and the way they shape our understanding, and experience, of marriage.
Imagine that you aren’t satisfied with your job. You have options. You can quit your job and look for another, or you can get some training for a new direction in your career. Or suppose that you have a close friend to whom you haven’t spoken in years. You can reach out to them by phone, Facebook, or email. You aren’t satisfied with your physical condition, so you join a gym, get a personal trainer, and start to work out. All of these situations have something in common. You see something about your life that you want to change, you figure out what actions will help you with that change, and you do them.
A very important question that I ask when people come to counseling is all the different things you have tried to overcome your depression. The answer to this question is usually quite revealing, because most people will share a variety of strategies to gain control of the depression. People talk about trying to keep the depressive thoughts and feelings at bay, or they try to replace them with more positive thoughts and feelings. Others will talk about trying to figure out why they are depressed.
How much you try…those words capture what most of us do in response to depression. It goes something like this. The depression means that there is something wrong with me. If there is something wrong with me, well, I need to try as hard as I can to control the depression. And there are lots of ways that we do this.
So being on autopilot is not a problem; it is being on autopilot most of the time that can contribute to problems like depression. Our routines become ruts. When the thoughts and feelings that contribute to depression show up, we usually respond by trying to avoid or fight off those thoughts and feelings. These attempts to control the depression can become so habitual that they become a part of our autopilot living. Along with all the other things we routinely do during the day, there are the decisions we make to fight or avoid the depression…and we don’t even realize that we are doing it.
It is normal for couples to have fights and conflicts. Every couple has stories of how their partner has wronged them. Many will suggest that once the fight has ended that it is best to move on and not dwell on the incident. And yet, one or both people carry around the hurt from a past incident; the incident still has a lot of emotional energy. So why is it difficult for couple to let go of bad interactions?
To address a problem like anxiety, it is good to have a clear understanding of all of its components. Perhaps it sounds strange to talk about the components of anxiety; isn’t anxiety just a feeling we have. Well, feelings are one part of anxiety, but it has other elements as well. It is important have a deep understanding of the anatomy of anxiety so we know how to respond to it and treat it.
Fear and anxiety are a normal and natural part of living. We are born with the capacity to experience fear and anxiety. Of course, you may already know that since it seems you are living with these two feelings all the time. But what are fear and anxiety? How are they similar? How are they different? What role do they play in our lives?
According to John and Julie Gottman, one of the building blocks for building a sound relationship is the expression of fondness and admiration. Those words can be an invitation to deepen the relationship with our partner. For example, the word “fondness” comes from a Middle English word that mean “to be foolish” or “to be simple.” Or take the word “admiration.” It comes from an Old French word that means “astonishment or surprise.” It can also mean to “regard with wonder.”
