Fusion…and Defusion

Fusion…and Defusion

All of us have had the experience of getting caught up in good book or great movie. Or you have been engrossed in a deep conversation. Maybe you have been wrapped up in planning a vacation you are looking forward to or solving a problem a problem at work. There are those times you are in the flow during a tennis match or a game of golf. Or it could be that you are reveling in some moments daydreaming in the hammock. It’s not unusual to lose all track of time when you are so caught up in moments like these. These times are some of life’s greatest pleasures.

Losing Your Attention/Losing Your Way

Losing Your Attention/Losing Your Way

Several years ago, I was working with a client who was struggling with depression. During our first session, I asked him to describe what it was like when the depression was there. He described not having any energy and not being able to get out of bed. He mentioned feel sad and despairing. He talked about not wanting to see anyone; instead, he would sit in his house alone. His posture changed as he described the depression, shoulders slouching and head lowering. His voice got lower. He was not that way when we began the session. It was almost like the depression was showing up, and he was allowing it to take over as he talked.

Practicing Nonjudgmental Acceptance

Practicing Nonjudgmental Acceptance

If you struggle with depression, it is not just about the feelings of depression; it is also about the thoughts you have that can keep you depressed. For people with depression, there is the tendency to be harsh and judgmental about the thoughts and feelings that you are struggling with. You have thoughts of wanting to fight the depression because you know how it feels when you get caught up it. You start to get mad at yourself and judging yourself for letting the depression win again. You wonder what is wrong with you; why you are so weak that you can’t overcome these feelings.

Welcoming Your Anxiety?

Welcoming Your Anxiety?

Some time ago, I was working with a client who was struggling with anxiety and panic. During one of our sessions, as he talked about a particularly difficult bout of anxiety, I noticed that his hands were clenched together on his lap. This is not unusual; after all, when you talk about the feeling of anxiety, it is something that you feel in your body. Clenched hands. Tightness in some part of your body. Rapid heartbeat. A general feeling of being on edge.

Getting in Touch with Values: An Exercise

Getting in Touch with Values: An Exercise

My approach to anxiety treatment is not about managing and controlling your anxiety symptoms. Instead, the goal is to develop a new relationship with your anxiety. This involves the willingness to experience, even welcome your anxious thoughts and feelings without trying to avoid them or figuring them out. When you are able to be in the presence of your anxiety in an open, nonjudgmental way, you create enough emotional flexibility to choose your actions, not based on what the anxiety wants you to do, but what is more in line with what you value.

Some More Thoughts About Values

Some More Thoughts About Values

Over the last few days, I have posted several blogs that deal with the place of values in our lives. I have talked about how naming and giving expression to our values can help with anxiety, depression, and relationships. For example, living without a sense of purpose and meaning is true for lots of people with depression. You may want to put a lot of energy into figuring out where the depression comes from and come up with strategies to avoid it or at least control it. But it is just as important to consider what you would doing, how would you be living and ordering your life if the depression were not there, or if you decided not to spend all your energy controlling it. The answers to that question would be an expression of your values.

Another Really Good Question

Another Really Good Question

Several years ago, I was finishing my work with a couple. They had done some amazing work to strengthen their relationship beyond the problems that brought them to me. In their final session with me, I asked if there was anything in particular that they found helpful. They had a very specific answer; it was a question I asked them in our very first session together. I invited them to share it with me, so I could be sure and ask it in the future, and all three of us laughed. This was the question. I asked each of them: How do you want to be in this relationship…apart from how the other person wants to be?

A REALLY GOOD QUESTION

A REALLY GOOD QUESTION

One day, between classes, I ran into Dr. Hendricks in the men’s restroom. We were standing at the sink, washing our hands, combing our hair. He looked at my reflection in the mirror, and, with just a hint of playfulness in his eyes asked, “How are you doing today, Mr. Hardwick…and why?” Then he quickly walked away, leaving me with a question that obviously I have never forgotten.

The Role of Values in Healing

The Role of Values in Healing

All these efforts to overcome depression are about controlling or managing your thoughts and feelings. You try to control by avoiding or pushing them away. You try to control by identifying and replacing with different ones. You try to control by understanding them which will lead to more positive thoughts and feelings. But here’s the thing.  Let’s say I run into you in ten years and ask you how are doing with your depression.  My guess is that you don’t want your answer to be: Well, for the most part I am managing and controlling it and getting through life.  You want to be able to speak about how your life has a sense of meaning and vitality.