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One person has made a distinction between pain and suffering. Pain is an emotion that happens rather naturally. You feel physical pain when something happens to your body. You feel emotional pain when something happens inside you or in a close relationship. While pain is an emotion that happens naturally, suffering comes from all the thoughts and feelings that we add to it with our minds.
Let’s do an exercise. Take a moment to think of one of your favorite foods. Think of one that really enjoy. I’ll play along as well. For me, it is my mom’s German chocolate cake. Don’t just think of it. Really imagine it sitting there in front of you. Bring the image to life as deeply as you can. Picture what it looks like; notice all the different colors and textures.
One of the things that is true for most people who suffer from depression is that they can be really hard on themselves. You look at how your life is controlled by the depression and it is easy to become harsh and self-critical. You can ruminate on your failures, playing them over and over in your mind. This can lead to a judgmental attitude where you begin to decide that you are lacking in some way, that there is something wrong with who you are as a person.
Close relationships like marriage offer the chance to experience some amazing connections between two people. However, that same closeness can also be the source of conflict that can force couples apart and create a great deal of emotional pain for each person. But it’s not just the issue that creates the conflict; it is how each person responds to the issue that is the source of the hurt.
Mindfulness is being in contact with the present moment as it is happening, from a place of nonjudgmental acceptance. You welcome whatever is happening in the world around you and the world inside of you. This conscious awareness of the present moment is important when you are dealing with something like anxiety.
Let’s begin with an exercise. Read the following statement and do all that you can to believe that it is completely true. As you do this, notice the thoughts that come to you: I am a perfectly capable, loving, and worthy person. What did you notice? If you are like most people, the more positive the thought you try to believe, the more resistance your mind offers.
When dealing with all the thoughts and feelings that go with anxiety, it is not unusual to try and avoid them. In fact, from the perspective of the thinking part of your mind, this makes sense. After all, who wants to have these disturbing thoughts and feelings? So we come up with all kinds of strategies to avoid them. In his book, ACT Made Simple, Dr. Russ Harris gives you a way to identify the different ways you try to avoid your anxiety.
Memories are the result of our minds and bodies processing and integrating information. Events happen and they find a place in us. This is true for events that are frightening and threatening. Just like the body goes into action to heal a physical wound, this processing and integrating helps us make sense of the fear and the threat so that it does not overwhelm us and allows us to choose a response.
There are two challenges for a person who has experienced a traumatic event. The first thing you have to do, of course, is survive the trauma. Fortunately, your mind and body have built-in systems to help you survive trauma. These are your fight/flight/freeze responses. A traumatic event involves two elements. First, there is the situation that creates a great deal of fear and stress. Second, there is the inability to escape the situation. When this happens, your fight/flight/freeze responses allow you to survive what is happening.
Thoughts and feelings can come and go; they can be all over the place. But this observing self allows you to feel the difference between this thought or feeling, these actions, and YOU. From the place of the observing self, you have enough flexibility to choose how you want to be in any situation, in the presence of any thought or feeling, no matter how distressing it might be.
