In a previous blog post, I identified some of the signs there is gridlock in a conflict between you and your partner.
You can’t make any headway when you talk about the problem.
You become entrenched in your position.
Your conversations about the problem become unpleasant and hurtful.
You end up emotionally disengaged.
Gridlock happens because you are dealing with a perpetual problem. These problems, which make up over 70 percent of relationship conflicts, are perpetual because they are based on differences in things like personality, life experiences, family-of-origin dynamics, temperament, or deeply held values. Those aren’t going to change, so you need to find a way to overcome the gridlock that can occur around these perpetual problems.
1. Recognize the conflict as a perpetual one.
Some conflicts are solvable. Let’s say you and your partner are having a conflict about how to the holidays with families. Both of you have done it differently in the past, but now, you must figure out what works for your relationship. You sit down, look at the schedules, talk about the logistics, make a plan, and the conflict is resolved.
But this same issue could also be a perpetual conflict. Both of you have celebrated the holidays the same way for a long time. There are lots of deeply held traditions and practices. This conflict is not going to be resolved by weighing the pros and cons, looking at the logistics, and making a plan.
2. Be respectful.
You feel passionate about the issue, and so does your partner. Don’t let your passion lead to being disrespectful of your partner’s thoughts and feelings. Your partner’s way of celebrating the holidays is not wrong. It is not unreasonable. It is not crazy. It is just different. Showing disrespect will alienate your partner and make it difficult to have any further discussion. Respect is an important value to have in a relationship, and when you act on that value even in the middle of a conflict, you show your partner the kind of person you want to be.
3. Empathize and look for the meaning of the issue.
You could spend a lot of time going around and around about how exactly to spend the holidays with families, but if this is an perpetual problem, it is important to learn what this issue means for each of you. There are thoughts, feelings, and yearnings that are creating the energy both of you have around this issue.
Dr. John Gottman has an intervention that he calls “Dreams Within Conflict.” The intervention gives each of you an opportunity to share the meaning behind your position on a conflict. You share with each other your beliefs and the stories behind your position. You share why it is so important to you.
This is not an easy thing to do. There will be anxiety and tension as you talk about these important thoughts and feelings.
When you are speaking, you do try to persuade your partner that your position is right. Instead, you simply explain how you see things, and you share why your position matters to you. When you are the listener, you don’t try to find the flaws in your partner’s position. You take a curious and inviting stance. You ask questions like: Is there a story behind this for you? Can you tell me more about why this is so important to you? Is there a fear you have if this dream is not honored?
4. Make some compromises.
Once both of you sense that your dreams have been heard and understood, it is easier to make some compromises. And remember, this is a perpetual issue. Most likely, you will keep talking about these issues throughout your relationship. The goal is to keep talking to each other in ways that allow you to find common ground and to make temporary compromises.
The ability to have these rich conversations about perpetual problems not only keeps you out of gridlock; it can enrich your relationship as you learn more about the inner life of your partner.
To learn more about ways I help couples with conflict resolution, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.