While it is something you might wish for, you cannot be emotionally available to your partner 100% of the time. This is true not just for couples but in every relationship.
For example, consider the relationship between mother and infant child. It is a powerful relationship. It is the foundation for a child to develop a secure emotional attachment that can make them feel safe for the rest of their lives. And yet, studies show that really good mothers are emotionally available to their children just over 50% of the time. Pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott says that the difference between good mothers and bad mothers is “not the commission of errors but what they do with them.”
What is true for mothers and infants is also true for couples. In his book, The Science of Trust, Dr. John Gottman says that both partners are emotionally available at the same time only about 9% of the time. This leaves a lot of opportunities for misunderstanding and conflict.
No matter how much you try, there will be times when you get defensive and reactive with your partner. You will say hurtful things and act in hurtful ways. You will ignore or distance yourself from your partner. What makes the difference between happy and unhappy couples is not “the commission of errors but what they do with them.” Instead, it is what couples do to repair these moments.
According to Gottman, a repair is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”
Usually, when we use the word “repair,” we think of something that is broken. But the presence of conflict does not mean your relationship is broken. Conflict is a normal and natural part of a marriage. If you respond to a conflict with the thought of, “Uh-oh, we are in trouble,” it complicates your efforts to work through the struggle.
So, based on Gottman’s definition, in relationships, a repair is not an effort to fix something that is broken. It is an effort to get the relationship back on track.
Notice that Gottman says “any statement or action—silly or otherwise.” This leaves a lot of room for you and your partner to find repair attempts that fit with each of your personalities and your relationship. In one of my sessions with a couple, the husband said something, and it was clear the wife was becoming visibly angry. You could feel the tension building in the room. The husband saw what was happening, looked at his wife, and said, “Well, I really messed that up, didn’t I?” He smiled, and his wife laughed. A conversation that could have become heated was back on track.
With another couple, the wife would get upset and defensive very quickly. As she began to feel this reaction inside of her, she decided to do something completely unexpected. In the middle of a conflict, she looked at her husband and ask, “Tell me again, what is your favorite color?” It took her husband by surprise, and it sent her thinking a different direction. The conversation was back on track.
It is not easy to make repair attempts when you are first learning how to do it. It is not easy to make repair attempts when there has been a lot of negativity in the relationship. Gottman offers a Repair Checklist to help.
The Checklist offers 6 different types of Repair Attempts.
1. I Feel. These repairs describe what is happening to you: I feel scared. I feel blamed, can you rephrase that.
2. Sorry. These repairs apologize: Let me try again. Tell me what you hear me saying.
3. Getting to Yes. These repairs move you toward solution: I think your point makes sense. I never thought of it that way.
4. I Need to Calm Down. These repairs identify emotional distress or flooding: I need to finish what I’m saying. Just listen right now and try to understand what I’m saying.
5. Stop Action. These repairs slow down or stop the interaction: We’re getting off track. I want to change the topic.
6. I Appreciate. These repairs are statements of appreciation for your partner or the relationship: I see what you are saying. This is not your problem; it’s OUR problem.
The Repair Checklist offers over 70 different ways to make repair attempts. If you would like to know more about this Checklist and how I work with couples to learn repair attempts, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.