The word “neglect” comes from a Latin word that means “to not pick up or select.” Something is in front of you, and for whatever reason, you choose not to engage with it. With emotional neglect, what you are choosing not to engage with is emotional connection with your partner.
Emotional neglect is a subtle, often invisible undermining of emotional bonds between you and your partner. Unlike overt abuse or conflict, it is characterized by what is missing—attention, empathy, affirmation, and warmth—rather than by explicit negative actions. Over time, emotional neglect can erode intimacy and trust, leaving both of you feeling isolated, misunderstood, and emotionally deprived.
Marriage therapist John Gottman talks about bids for connection as the building blocks of relationship. A bid is anything you do to make a connection with your partner. Emotional neglect happens when you consistently fail to respond to the bids for connection from your partner. It is more than just an occasional argument or having an off day. It is a sustained pattern where emotional expressions, needs, and vulnerabilities are minimized, ignored or invalidated.
Emotional neglect may not be malicious or intentional. Often, it comes from a lack of awareness or differing emotional needs. It can come from unresolved personal issues.
Because it can be subtle, it is important to recognize the signs of emotional neglect.
Persistent Loneliness
Even when you are together, you feel emotionally alone or disconnected. There may be a sense of emptiness or absence of meaning. You find yourself wishing there was more.
Lack of support
Your conversations rarely go beyond daily logistics. You don’t ask about or you don’t take the opportunity to share your hopes and dreams or your fears and struggles. Gottman describes this as turning away from a bid for connection. You meet your partner’s bid with little or no energy. Example: How was your day? Fine.
Feeling Unappreciated
Both of you may not notice efforts to connect. You start to question the validity of your emotional needs. You feel guilty or hesitant to express these needs. There is a part of you that says it won’t do any good or it won’t matter.
Absence of Affection
It is difficult to initiate physical affection. Even simple acts like physical touch, words of affection or caring gestures become infrequent. You may think about doing these, but again, you are hesitant, because you aren’t sure how they will be received.
Feeling Stagnant
Much of your relationship feels like going through the motions. You may hide your true feelings to avoid a confrontation that could lead to further distance and rejection. You feel like you are alone in carrying the weight of resolving conflicts or addressing issues. Eventually, the emptiness of emotional neglect can become resentment, leading to further emotional distance.
When emotional neglect is present it is easy to feel hopeless and helpless. This is just the way we are, and my only decision is to live with it or leave. But emotional neglect is a subtle pattern that develops and becomes entrenched over time.
Both of you contribute to this pattern, and both of you can play a role in recognizing and changing the pattern.
Couples counseling can help you with this. You can explore how each of you are contributing to the neglect. Perhaps you both grew up in emotionally neglectful households and you are repeating these patterns in your relationship. The stress and demands of career, parenthood, or personal issues like depression or anxiety may be getting in the way. There may be differences in personality that you both need to understand and find ways to deal with. You can learn how to be intentional about offering and responding to bids for connection. You can learn how to be patient and compassionate as you work together to change this pattern. My marriage counseling specialty page can give you more information about my work with couples.