One of the common myths of marriage is that good marriages have little or no conflict. Most likely you know, cognitively, about this myth. We realize that arguments are bound to happen between two people in a relationship. And yet, when the conflict happens, you get that “Uh oh” feeling inside. That feeling comes from seeing the conflict, despite what you want to believe, as a problem.
Even if conflict is a normal part of a relationship, no one wakes up in the morning and says, “This seems like a good day to have an argument with my partner.” Instead, they just seem to happen. It is like something gets triggered inside of one or both of you. But what, exactly, gets “triggered.”
In their book, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Couples, Avigail Lev and Matthew McKay describe the schemas that get triggered during a conflict.
Schemas are made up of core beliefs your have about yourself.
They create feelings that something is wrong with you and/or your intimate connection. Schemas are formed in childhood and develop as a result of ongoing dysfunctional experiences with caregivers, siblings, and peers.
Schemas come from repeated messages that we have gotten about ourselves (for example, “You’re bad” or “You can’t do anything right”) or from specific traumatic events. Once a schema is formed, it’s extremely stable and becomes an enduring way to see and understand yourself and your relationships.
Schemas are like sunglasses that distort all of your experiences. They color the way you see things, and they influence assumptions and predictions that tell you the schema is true or will turn out to be true.
Schemas formed during childhood are triggered throughout your life. Common triggers include conflict, strong needs, and difficult thoughts and feelings. Once a schema gets triggered, it brings up extremely painful feelings (shame, loss, sadness, fear, anger, etc.). Schemas interfere with your ability to feel safe in a relationship, your ability to get your needs met, and your ability to meet the needs of others.
Lev and McKay identify 10 schemas that you and your partner may have.
1. Abandonment/instability: the belief that your partner is unreliable and that he or she will disconnect or leave.
2. Mistrust/abuse: the expectation that your partner will harm, abuse, or neglect you.
3. Emotional deprivation: the expectation that your need for emotional support will not be met.
· Deprivation of nurturance—the absence of attention
· Deprivation of empathy—the absence of understanding
· Deprivation of protection—the absence of help
4. Defectiveness/shame: the belief that you are somehow defective, inferior, or unlovable.
5. Social isolation/alienation: the belief that you don’t fit, that you don’t belong with anyone. The sense of being alone while together, being unseen and not understood.
6. Dependence: the belief that it would be hard to survive emotionally without your partner, and that you would not be able to take care of yourself outside the relationship.
7. Failure: the belief that you will fail in your relationship (and key aspects of life).
8. Entitlement/grandiosity: the belief that your partner should provide for your needs, and that you have a right to expect his or her constant support.
9. Self-sacrifice/subjugation: the belief that you must always place your partner’s needs over your own— either because your partner’s needs are more important or because you fear rejection.
10. Unrelenting standards: the belief that you, and your partner, must meet high standards of performance—in life and in the relationship. And if these standards aren’t met, you or your partner are wrong and deserve criticism.
Schemas tend to distort the view you have of a relationship. When one of your schemas gets triggered, you will become defensive because you feel the need to protect yourself from the emotional pain you feel.
The triggering of schemas is unavoidable. It will happen in the course of any relationship.
The goal of learning about triggers is not to eliminate them or keep them from happening. Instead, when conflict happens, you can focus your attention on what is happening inside of you, instead of looking for faults in your partner and blaming them for the argument.
In a future blog, I will talk about some of the specific behaviors that can trigger your schemas and how you can respond differently when they show up. If you would like to learn more about how marriage counseling can be helpful to your relationship, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.