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There are two components that play a role in your anxiety: thoughts and feelings. In a previous post I considered the way our thinking can contribute to anxiety (Loosening the Grip of Your Mind’s Stories). In this post I want to consider our feelings. First of all, what are we really talking about when we consider feelings or emotions. Let’s take anxiety for example. When you say you are feeling anxious, what is happening? Emotions happen mostly in our bodies.
There may be nothing more beautiful than a sunrise, except perhaps a sunset. Sunsets begin with a first hint of light. Gradually, the light increases and gives you a display of color that grows until the sun climbs over the horizon. Sunrises tend to evoke awe and wonder. It is not just the colors; it is the promise of the end of darkness and the beginning of a new day. It is not unusual for an individual or a group to watch a sunrise in silence. Everyone is caught up in the experience. And yet, there is a way that the mind can take us out of the wonder of the sunrise.
In Oklahoma, the state where I live, we have some amazing sunsets. Over the last few weeks, several of my Facebook friends have posted some pictures of glorious sunsets (not so many sunrises…I wonder what that is about). It could be that the sunsets have been particularly brilliant; I like to think it is because the corona virus is keeping people at home and they are taking advantage of these amazing gifts nature is offering them.
In his book, ACT with Love, Dr. Russ Harris uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help couples understand some of the dynamics of marriage. The book is very practical, offering a variety of practices that can help you strengthen and vitalize your marriage. Dr. Harris begins his book by describing four of the more common myths about marriage. After a brief description of these myths, I will make some comments about the power of these ideas and the way they shape our understanding, and experience, of marriage.
Imagine that you aren’t satisfied with your job. You have options. You can quit your job and look for another, or you can get some training for a new direction in your career. Or suppose that you have a close friend to whom you haven’t spoken in years. You can reach out to them by phone, Facebook, or email. You aren’t satisfied with your physical condition, so you join a gym, get a personal trainer, and start to work out. All of these situations have something in common. You see something about your life that you want to change, you figure out what actions will help you with that change, and you do them.
A very important question that I ask when people come to counseling is all the different things you have tried to overcome your depression. The answer to this question is usually quite revealing, because most people will share a variety of strategies to gain control of the depression. People talk about trying to keep the depressive thoughts and feelings at bay, or they try to replace them with more positive thoughts and feelings. Others will talk about trying to figure out why they are depressed.
How much you try…those words capture what most of us do in response to depression. It goes something like this. The depression means that there is something wrong with me. If there is something wrong with me, well, I need to try as hard as I can to control the depression. And there are lots of ways that we do this.
So being on autopilot is not a problem; it is being on autopilot most of the time that can contribute to problems like depression. Our routines become ruts. When the thoughts and feelings that contribute to depression show up, we usually respond by trying to avoid or fight off those thoughts and feelings. These attempts to control the depression can become so habitual that they become a part of our autopilot living. Along with all the other things we routinely do during the day, there are the decisions we make to fight or avoid the depression…and we don’t even realize that we are doing it.
It is normal for couples to have fights and conflicts. Every couple has stories of how their partner has wronged them. Many will suggest that once the fight has ended that it is best to move on and not dwell on the incident. And yet, one or both people carry around the hurt from a past incident; the incident still has a lot of emotional energy. So why is it difficult for couple to let go of bad interactions?
