Early in my work with most couples, I help them identify their defensive reactive pattern. It looks like this. Your partner says or does something that makes you defensive. It is normal for that to happen in close relationships. But from a place of defensiveness, you react. You don’t pause and choose how to respond. You react. Next, your partner senses your reaction, and they do the same thing. They get defensive and react. Now, you are locked into a defensive reactive pattern. It feels like a closed loop that you cannot break.
These defensive reactive patterns are common in couples who are dealing with conflict. They can happen from time-to-time. They can become entrenched; it can feel like you spend most of your relationship living in this pattern. They have different patterns: pursuer-distancer, distancer-distancer, or pursuer-pursuer.
Like I said, defensiveness happens in relationships. But reacting from a place of defensiveness is harmful to the relationship.
There are three steps you can take to stop a defensive reactive pattern.
1. Self-soothe.
At some point, your mind tells you: This is not going the way I want it to go. I don’t like this. I am not enjoying this. When you hear these thoughts, take a moment to calm yourself. You can do this silently, but sometimes it is helpful to say to your partner, “Let me take a moment. I want to try to do this differently.”
You may be emotionally flooded. More than feeling frustrated, emotional flooding short circuits your ability to interact well. Emotional flooding is a physiological state. Chemicals from the emotional part of your brain flood the thinking part of your brain, and you literally can’t think straight. The best way to check for emotional flooding is to take your pulse. If it is elevated, you might need to take a 10–20-minute break before reengaging with your partner.
2. Self-confront
This step involves giving attention to what is happening inside you and seeing the role you are playing in the defensive reaction. I ask each couple to identify signs that they are reacting. Signs can be physical: Tightness in the chest or shoulders. A change in your breathing. A knot in your stomach. It could be a physical gesture: Waving your hands or putting your hands on your hips.
Signs can be verbal: Your voice gets louder. Your voice gets softer, or you go silent. Your voice has a tone. You say a certain phrase.
Signs can be thoughts: Here we go again. Why is this happening? I don’t like this. I don’t want this.
I have them make a list…the more the better. This helps you be aware more quickly of their own defensiveness and allows you to take the next step.
3. Self-direct.
Self-directing involves deciding how you want to be different towards your partner. Instead of reacting, you choose how you want to respond. This is not easy to do at first, so I teach couples a simple intervention.
Let’s say you are arguing, and you recognize one of the signs of your defensive reaction. When you do, you say aloud to your partner: “You know, I just heard my voice get louder. That means, most likely, that I am defensive and reacting. So, I am going to take a moment and see if I can respond differently.” If one of you verbally identifies the reaction and asks for a break, the other person says, “Ok, let me check and see if I am reacting too.”
This break can be a few seconds or a few minutes, but both of you start the conversation again without the reactiveness.
If the defensive reaction shows up again, you go through the same process.
Notice that all three of these steps are focused on the self. You don’t try to soothe your partner; you soothe yourself. You don’t confront your partner; you confront yourself. You don’t try to direct your partner’s behavior; you direct your own behavior.
Once you are successful in stopping the defensive reactive pattern, you can learn some more meaningful ways to communicate and deal with conflict. Please visit my marriage counseling specialty page to learn more about how I work with couples.