But sometimes the problems are not just internal.  They can be external.  Both of you have personal stresses that do not find their source in the relationship. 

Like I said, defensiveness happens in relationships.  But reacting from a place of defensiveness is harmful to the relationship.

Gottman discovered that an important predictor of relationship stability is whether couples make “cognitive room” for their relationship and for the world of their partner. This involves developing a map of the world of your partner, a cognitive map of the relationship and its history.

Gridlock happens because you are dealing with a perpetual problem.  These problems, which make up over 70 percent of relationship conflicts, are perpetual because they are based on differences in things like personality, life experiences, family-of-origin dynamics, temperament, or deeply held values. 

In his book, The Science of Trust, Dr. John Gottman says that both partners are emotionally available at the same time only about 9% of the time.  This leaves a lot of opportunities for misunderstanding and conflict.

One of the first things I do with almost every couple I see in counseling is help them identify the presence of a defensive reactive pattern. 

One of the questions I always ask is how long have these issues been present in your relationship?  It is not unusual to hear the couple respond in terms of months and years. 

You can see rituals on sports teams, with business groups, and in families.  Rituals can also nurture the relationship between you and your partner.

When it comes to relationships, one of the most meaningful things you can do is ask questions that you DON’T know the answer to.  It is a way to express curiosity and wonder about this person you care about. 

Once you have identified your specific relationship schemas, it is important to be aware that certain situations can trigger your schemas.